


i'm in love with you (and all these little things)

by OnceUponaSwanQueen



Category: Holby City
Genre: 5+1 Things, Canon Divergence - Elinor Lives, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-04-15
Packaged: 2018-10-19 06:27:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10634166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnceUponaSwanQueen/pseuds/OnceUponaSwanQueen
Summary: or five times serena fell in love with bernie without knowing that was what was happening (and the one time she knew it for certain.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title from One Direction because my interests are vast and confusing. Also this is pretty much no dialog, and mostly just inside Serena's head.

The first step in falling in love with Berenice Wolfe was so simple and so normal that looking back on it, it felt strange that it would happen like that. But on the other side, of course it would be that and of course it would be Bernie.  In many ways, of course the first moment would be something so normal, so without fanfare. Because falling in love with Bernie had been like that, the small moments that somehow added up to the biggest of them all.

It was the day after she had suggested that Bernie should be her co-lead on the AAU, an act that in of itself should probably have raised some flags had Serena had the time to think about just what it meant that she was so willing to give up control to a woman she had been so determined to hate just a couple of weeks earlier.

She had a hard morning with Jason, they were still figuring out how to live in the same space and how to adapt his routines so that they worked with Serena’s schedule. It was harder than she expected, but she already knew that she wouldn’t change anything.

“Coffee?” Bernie’s voice pulled her out of her mind, and she saw the blonde surgeon holding two coffees. “Black, no sugar, right?” Bernie said and held out a coffee from Pulses. Serena didn’t know at the moment that it would almost routine for Bernie to bring Serena her coffee whenever Bernie herself bought one. She didn’t know it would become as much part of her morning routine as eating breakfast with Jason. There was plenty of things that were coming that Serena couldn’t have the faintest idea about, but in that moment, she looked at Bernie who was holding out the coffee with a smile on her face as it was the most obvious thing in the world that she would be bringing Serena her morning coffee. Serena tried to remember the last time someone had brought her coffee just because. Robbie never had, or if he had it must have been in the early stages of their relationship. She missed the feeling of someone looking after her. A coffee wasn’t exactly a grand gesture of any means, but still, it felt good that someone thought about her for once.

“Thank you.” Serena said, “You really didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to.” Bernie said, her voice sounding uncharacteristically soft. Serena figured she was still trying to make up for all the things in between them that had been pushing at their edges since she learned of Bernie’s affair. A way to mend a friendship that had just begun.

Serena accepted the cup and took a sip of it, the warmth spreading to the rest of her body. She hadn’t realized how much she needed that coffee that morning.

(It turned out she didn’t know how much she needed many things that Berenice Wolfe would provide to her.  But that moment, the coffee was all she was thinking about. Well, the coffee, and the unbelievable bright smile on Bernie’s face when Serena accepted the cup.)

2.

The second time, Serena realized that her relationship with Bernie was different than anything she ever had had before was a late night in early August. They were coming out from theatre after a particularly hard surgery but it looked like the patient would pull through.

Operating with Bernie was unlike anything she had ever done before; she’d known the other surgeon was talented. She’d heard whispers and talks of Major Berenice Wolfe long before the blonde had ever stepped foot in Holby. She’d been headhunted by the RAMC, and she was considered as one of the country’s foremost trauma surgeons, but none of that could have made her ready for being in theatre with her. Berenice Wolfe was a force to be reckoned with when she was in her element, but more than that she and Serena was so in sync during surgery that most of the time they knew what the other needed before they did. It was an experience Serena never had experienced before, she’d heard of doctors who had been married for years whose surgeries looked like a carefully choreographed dance but with Bernie it had been almost simultaneous.

Actually, most things with Bernie had been that way. Even forgiving her. It was strange, Serena Campbell was known for a couple of things, holding grudges to the grave was one of them, but still she had found herself giving in to Bernie with the promise of coffee and a smile. She had been so hurt and disappointed when she had learned of Bernie’s affair and had been determined to keep their relationship strictly professional, but she could barely keep her promise for a week before the blonde found her way back into Serena’s good graces. Bernie Wolfe was a mystery Serena hoped she would never solve.

She had never felt this way about a friend before, this undeniable feeling of wanting to know more, to wanting to spend all of her time with them. But then again, Serena had never had a friend like Bernie before. She was so closed off, but still she was so open and real in moments that it took Serena’s breath away. They connected on a level that was unlike anything Serena had ever experienced, and it felt different and dangerous and confusing in so many ways she wasn’t ready to analyse yet. She just knew that surgery with Bernie Wolfe was the best thing she would ever do.

(Turns out she was wrong. There were other things with Bernie Wolfe that would change her whole being. But that would come later, after long conversations and broken heart and promises. She would learn that the way she and Bernie connected in Theatre was just the beginning.)

She shouldn’t been surprised that the third moment involved Jason, after all, most moments in Serena’s life revolved around Jason these days.  Despite their initial disagreement over Jason, and Serena’s unwillingness to let go of control, it had turned out that Bernie and Jason actually got along pretty well.

The idea that maybe what she was feeling for Bernie was more than friendship had started to form in her head, somewhere far back, somewhere she pretended it didn’t exists because her life was complicated enough without her developing romantic feelings for her lesbian best friend. So the idea was there but never touched only blaring up in moments she least expected it, like when she was walking her front door to see her best friends teaching her nephew how to make Shepard’s Pie. Serena had been stuck at work, and Bernie had offered to drive Jason home, maybe pick up a Shepard’s Pie at one of the local pubs down the street if Serena wouldn’t be home in time for Jason’s regular dinner time.

“And what is this?” Serena asked as she took in the scene in her kitchen. It was less messy than she would have assumed such a situation would be given Bernie’s absolute incapability of keeping a tidy… well anything really. Though she supposes that Jason would be opposed to such disorder in their kitchen, and that was probably partly the reason why her kitchen did not look like a war zone.

“Doctor Bernie is teaching me how to make Shepard’s Pie.” Jason said.

“I found the recipe on the counter. I hope you don’t mind.” Bernie said, and flashed Serena one of her most innocent smiles that somehow made Serena want to cross the kitchen and plant a kiss on Bernie.

Which was a thought she did not plan on having. Ever. She wasn’t supposed to want to kiss Bernie. But seeing her standing there with Jason, teaching him how to cook, it was the first thing that sprung into her head. Followed by a feeling that she wanted Bernie to stay forever. Neither thought was one she was willing to entertain at the moment though. Her day had been too hard and too long for her to linger on any of those thoughts. Besides, they didn’t matter. She was tired and so what if Bernie seemed to know exactly what she needed and when she needed it the most. What if Bernie was the one she wanted to come home? They were friends, best friends, and maybe it was unlike anything Serena had ever felt before. It didn’t matter.

“No. I’m…” Serena struggled with the words. Bernie had been so understanding with Jason, and she had been better at following Serena’s lead when it came to maybe not getting his hopes up about things he couldn’t do. They’d come a long way since that day Bernie met Jason, and Serena had gotten better at letting go over things she couldn’t control. Well, slightly better.

It had actually surprised her how well Jason and Bernie had gotten along, how good Bernie was with him. How she didn’t mind spending her evenings watching “Countdown” or “World’s Strongest Man.” How she paid attention to whatever documentary Jason had been watching that night, and looked up additional information about the topic so they could discuss it. How Bernie had just so flawless fit into their little family unit of two, where Robbie had walked away unable to handle Jason, Bernie had fit in as if she had always been there.

Bernie had been spending many of her evenings at the Campbell house, a mixture of Serena not wanting Bernie to spend her evenings alone in that absolutely dreadful flat of hers and Bernie’s loneliness coming out to play. They didn’t talk about it. Not really, but Serena knew how much Bernie missed her kids, even missed Marcus and his company again. She knew the reasons behind Bernie’s divorce, while similar in nature, had been so different from her own. She knew Bernie regretted not having her kids around, regretting losing the friendship she’d had with Marcus, and she knew that Bernie liked her, missed not having to sleep alone.

But all of this seemed normal to Serena. It seemed normal that she didn’t want her best friend to spend her nights alone, it seemed normal that when Bernie had fallen asleep on the sofa last week and her head had fallen on Serena’s shoulder that instead of waking her – the blonde surgeon had had a long day after all – she had just let Bernie sleep there while she watched her with a smile on her face.

“I figured you’d be hungry and tired when you came back.” Bernie said, “So I figured you’d like the dinner finished and a homemade meal is always better.“

“I didn’t even know you cooked.” Serena joked.

“I don’t really,” Bernie said, “Or I didn’t use to. But it turns out I’m pretty good at following a recipe. It turns out there is a limit on the amount of frozen dinner a girl can take.”

“Do you need any help?” Serena said, as she removed the rest of her outerwear and shoes and moved towards the kitchen table.

 “No. It only needs a couple of more minutes in the oven and it will be done.” Bernie said.

“Did you have a good day, Auntie Serena?” Jason asked as he moved towards the cutlery and started to set the table.

“It’s getting better by the minute.” Serena said, and when the smile that Bernie sent her way gave her butterflies she ignored it.  And just enjoyed the moment, and the domestically of it all. Believing that if this was how her life was going to be, it would be good.

(And it would be. But instead of smiles and butterflies, there would be kisses and butterflies, there would be curries and taco’s and on nights when Jason wasn’t home there would be exotic middle eastern dishes that Bernie had fallen for over the years. There would also be arguments and broken dishes and make up sex on the kitchen table. But mostly, it would be this, Bernie teaching Jason to cook, to Serena watching them and feeling her heart burst. It would be falling in love with Bernie over and over again.)

4.

“Are we okay?”  Bernie said as the two doctors where enjoying a glass of wine at Albie’s.  It had been a couple of days since the Cameron debacle.  Bernie had been distant these past few days and Serena hadn’t realized that Bernie was worried about their friendship. After everything they’d veen through, it would take more than that to cause their friendship to rupture. (There were other factors involved, factors Serena still weren’t ready to deal with.)  Serena had tried her best to make Bernie see that she didn’t blame her for what had happened. She had had accepted the offer of wine without a second thought.

“Of course.” Serena said, like anything else was unthinkable.  (And it was. For all the things that Bernie had done to infuriate her over the past few months, this was one thing she understood.  She had spent months taking about their children over coffee and wine. She knew how many regrets Bernie had about her kids, and how much she missed them. She understood that. Better than she wanted.)

“I’m just…” Bernie said, “I never should have put you in that position. I just didn’t want to give him any more reasons to hate me.”

“No apologizes needed.” Serena said, and smiled at her friend. “Besides, I don’t think he hates you.”

“I hurt him badly. Him and Charlotte.” Bernie said, “Not just the affair, but leaving them as much as I did. Never being the mother they deserved.”

“You did what you felt you needed to do, Bernie.” Serena said, “You served your country and you love you kids. You made mistakes, we all do. But you learned from them, and you’re trying.”

Serena could a swig from her Shiraz and smiled at her best friends, “The hardest lesson for a child to learn is that their parents aren’t perfect.”

“I was never perfect. There were so many things I wanted to do.” Bernie said, “So many things I wanted run from. Things I ignored.”

Serena wanted to reach over and take her friends hand but something stopped her from doing it. The act seemed to intimate. Too close.

“You figured it out in the end, they’ll understand eventually.” Serena said instead, trying to find the words that would comfort instead of the actions.

“Cam had been texting me actually.” Bernie said, and smiled in a way that Serena rarely saw. It was optimistic and hopeful. And Serena wished that all of Bernie’s smiles would be as easy as that one. She wished that her friend didn’t carry the weight of the world on her shoulders. There were many things she wished.

“And it’s going well?” Serena asked, knowing that if Bernie’s relationship was healing it was worth all the problems that Cam’s appearance at Holby had caused.

“Better than I’d hoped.” Bernie said, “He said that Charlotte might be willing to talk to me again.” Serena couldn’t help but smile; she’d known how hurt Bernie had been by the letters the children had written on Marcus’ behalf.  How heartbroken she’d been. Bernie didn’t cry, but the night she had talked about that, she’d come close.

“That’s good.” Serena said, “I told you they’d come around.”

“You did.” Bernie said, and in an unusually candour voice she added, “I wouldn’t have gotten through this without you.”

“Yes, you would.” Serena said, “You are one of the strongest, most amazing people I have ever met.” Serena said, surprising even herself with her honesty. Bernie had that effect on her, making her want to open up to her. Bernie had surprised her in every single way, and she was without a doubt the best friend she’d had in a very long time.

“I’m nothing special.” Bernie said, and Serena could tell that she believed that.  And that killed her a little inside. She wished that Bernie could see what Serena saw. She wished that Bernie could see how absolutely wonderful she was. Serena was certain that there was no one in the world like Bernie Wolfe.

“You are.” Serena said, and Bernie smiled. Really smiled, in that way that made Serena feel butterflies in her stomach as if she was fourteen years old again.

(Later, she would tell Bernie that her smile was the reason she’d fallen in love with her. And it had been, but it had been all of the things that Bernie didn’t believe she was. It was her beauty and her kindness. It was the way she laughed at Jason’s jokes and it the way she put too much salt in her marinara sauce, but in that moment, yeah it was the way Bernie smiled that made Serena feel like she was fourteen again that made her fall in love with her.)

5.

One might think that it would be the kiss that was Serena’s moment of realization. The kiss, however, fantastic it might have been was more confusing than anything else really. No, the moment came later, over Shiraz and heartfelt conversation and homemade curry.

Jason was over for Alan’s for the night and Serena had invited Bernie over for dinner and wine. The invitation was at that point almost moot as Bernie had spent nearly every night with Serena the past few weeks, after their decision to remain friends.  Having Bernie in her life felt like the most natural thing ever, it felt like it was always supposed to be like that.

“This is really good, Serena.” Bernie said as she was practically shoving her food into her mouth in a way that Serena really shouldn’t find endearing but yet somehow still did.

“It was my mother’s recipe.” Serena said. It had been her mother’s favourite curry and Serena had been unable to make it since her mother’s passing, the smell and the taste to reminiscent of her mother, to many emotions and too  many feelings but yet sharing it with Bernie had felt like a natural progression of things. Bernie had been cooking for her, with Jason or without, for weeks. Every piece of food filled with a little of Bernie’s past and history. A story about Cameron or Charlotte, or about university or the year Bernie spent in India before meeting Marcus, about nights in Afghanistan. Even the occasional story about Alex, though those were rare and far between, Serena could tell taking anything related to her sexuality was still hard for the blonde. It didn’t matter to Serena though.

“Was you mother a good cook?” Bernie asked.

“No. She was a dreadful.” Serena laughed, “This was the only thing she could make that turned out decent. But it was always special when she made it. When I was younger my mother would make it for special occasions and nothing ever made me feel as good as coming home and smelling the curry in the whole house.”

Serena could see the moment it registered in Bernie that this meal was special to Serena. That this wasn’t just a regular old curry, this was a dish that meant something. Something important even.

“Serena…” Bernie said.

“Don’t.” Serena said, “It doesn’t mean anything.” (It’s a lie. It means everything. They both knew it, but neither was ready for it. So they pretended.)

“It’s really good though.” Bernie said, “Maybe I should let you do the cooking more often.”

“I don’t Jason would forgive you if you suddenly stopped, I’m afraid.” Serena said, “He’s grown rather attached to you. Your cooking, I mean.”

“I’ve grown rather attached to the whole process myself.” Bernie admitted, and Serena felt her heart swell. “It’s good to feel needed again.”

 _I need you_ , Serena thought, _I want you._ The thoughts never leaving her mind though.  (They would eventually.)

“You’ll always be needed here.” Serena said, “Jason said he’ll never eat my Shepard’s Pie after the one you made last week.”

“I’m sorry?” Bernie said sheepishly, though Serena could tell that she was proud of her accomplishment. The original recipe of Serena had been long forgotten as Jason and Bernie had experimented with flavours that Jason might enjoy. Serena had thought that Jason would be strictly against changing anything about the flavour profile of his food, but she had soon learned that Jason was far more interested in exploring tastes when he knew exactly what was going into his food and if he could be a part of the process. It was like science, if he could understand it, understand why things worked or didn’t worked, he’d be much more involved in the process of making the food and more open to change.

“You’re not.” Serena said, “You look almost as proud as you did after the surgery last week.”

“That was an amazing surgery.” Bernie said with a wink.

“Oh yes.” Serena said, “My big macho army medic.” Serena flirted. It didn’t mean anything. Serena flirted with everyone. (It was a lie. It meant everything.)

Bernie ignored it. Thankfully.  Bernie was an enigma like that. Half the time she gave as good as she got, and the other times she ignored the flirting completely. Serena had yet to figure out which she preferred to be honest. Serena Campbell flirted as easily as she breathed, male or female had never really mattered to her. She just enjoyed the flirting. Something had shifted over the last few weeks though. It felt different. (It was.)

“Couldn’t have done it without you though.” Bernie said instead, falling back in familiar patterns.

“Berenice Griselda Wolfe, world renowned trauma surgeon couldn’t have done it without me?” Serena teased, “I thought your reputation was that all you needed was a scalpel and some red wire.” Serena said, referring to a story about one of Bernie’s more miraculous wartime saves which had been blown somewhat out of proportion by the rumour mill. As those things often did.

“I’d rather have you.” Bernie said. “You’re certainly better in a crisis than red wire ever was.” She added after a pause that was too long to be intentional.  

“I try my best.” Serena said, and Bernie smiled at her. And something hit her. Just like that. Because there was absolutely nothing else she would like to be doing than just this. Something that had been building in the back of her mind for a long time. (Longer than she would ever admit.)

She was in love with Bernie. She had no idea when it had happened, but she was. She didn’t know what it meant or where they would go next. She knew only one thing, and of that she was certain, she was in love with Berenice Griselda Wolfe and it was the most terrifying and wonderful thing she had ever experienced.  It was the only thing she knew for certain.

(Later she would know lots of things, she would know the feel of Bernie’s skin on hers, she would know how it felt to hold her hand, how it felt to kiss her without worry. But one thing would never change, she would always know that she was in love with Berenice Griselda Wolfe and it would always be the most terrifying and wonderful thing she had ever experienced.)

+1

Serena knew she was in love with Bernie. She had known since before Kyiv , but she was terrified of telling her, because the last time she had as much as hinted that she was falling in love, Bernie had ran so fast that Serena had been struggling to survive for months. Falling in love with Bernie had happened when she wasn’t looking, it had happened with morning coffees and homemade food. It  had happened over heated arguments over patient care and it happened when they had their hands deep into someone else.

But being in love with Bernie was like a thunderstorm.  She was acutely aware of every moment she spent with Bernie, and it was wonderful and it was terrifying and it was the best thing that had ever happened to her.  It was terrifying and overwhelming and at times just so impressively normal. It was eating dinner with Jason while Bernie held her hand. It was waking up to breakfast in bed on Saturdays they were both off work, it was whispers of endearment when they were falling asleep in each other’s arms.  It was monopoly nights with the kids and it was in cups of coffee in the morning.

And it was one of those moments that would lead to Serena telling Bernie those three little words that she had known for months.

“I love you.” The words just came out, after months of worrying about them; it was in this moment she chose to say them. Just sitting here on the couch, pretending to watch Countdown with Jason. (Both failing miserably really. Too caught up in each other to care about the quiz.)

“You do?” Bernie’s voice was so tender and honest that it almost broke Serena’s heart.

“Yeah.” Serena simply said, and moved her head so ever slightly so she could kiss Bernie carefully. She wondered if she would ever get used to kissing Bernie, if it would ever stop feeling like that. (It wouldn’t. It would always feel like this.)

“I love the way you make my tea in the morning, the way you never forget to bring me coffee when you buy your own, I love the way you are fiercely protective of your patients.” Serena paused, “I love the way you’re competitive streak comes out to play on Monopoly nights. I love how you texts me when you know I had a hard day, or how there is pastries in my office after long days in the theatre if you weren’t there with me. I love how you know what I need when you’re with me in theatre. I even love the way your side of the office looks like a hurricane came through it every day.” Serena laughed.

“I love you too.” Bernie said. “I know I should have said it before.”

“You did.” Serena simply stated, “You said it with coffee and pastry. You said it with Shepard’s Pie’s and half-assed apologizes.”

“Thank you.” Bernie said, and kissed her. This time it was more passionate, but still appropriate for their audience.

“This is nice and all.” Jason interjected, “But I’m winning spectacularly tonight, so if you could not talk until this is over that would be preferred.”

“Of course, Jason.” Bernie said, as Serena was stifling a giggle. “Your auntie will be more appropriate with her love declarations in the future.”

“She better,” Jason said, “But for the record, I love you too, Auntie Bernie.”

(This was the moment. After years had gone and Serena would look back on the first year she ever spent with Bernie Wolfe, she would remember the first coffee, the first surgery it felt like she and Bernie was born for this, the first night Bernie made Shepard’s pie, the day she realized that Bernie Wolfe was something extraordinary, the night she made her mother’s curry and this moment. This simple moment of lying on the couch pretending to watch Countdown while Bernie continues to whisper all the reasons why she loved Serena into her ear, low enough that Jason wouldn’t hear them, and Serena would fall just a little bit more in love with Bernie.)


End file.
